It’s Not You, It’s Me: The IEMT View on Identity After a Breakup

By Rose Ferguson

Possibly some of the most dreaded words in the English language: "It's not you, it's me."

One could argue it's not a bad way to be broken up with, certainly better than the opposite: "It's not me, it's you!" But being broken up with is seldom a pain-free experience either way.

Identity and the language of relationships

In IEMT (Integral Eye Movement Technique), identity is explored not only through a person's relationship to themselves, but also through their interactions with others. Pronouns are treated as the interface between identity and relationship, rather than as mere grammar.

"I" tends to carry agency and the speaking position. It is often our intellectual, thinking self. "Me" tends to receive: it is where other people's words and actions land ("It's not you, it's me," "You complete me," and so on). "You" is usually somebody else, except when it is found inside the person, which says something about the relationship. (Association of IEMT Practitioners, Integral Eye Movement Technique.)

With that in mind, it's interesting to consider "It's not you, it's me" as a way of ending a relationship, compared with "I think we should see other people" or "I don't think this is working anymore." Saying "It's not you, it's me" might imply a certain immaturity in the speaker, a sense that the decision comes from a younger, more vulnerable place.

When past relationships echo in the present

Some of the most painful processing after a breakup comes from the accusations the other person threw at us that landed a little too close to home (for example, "You never listen to me").

It's also common to find that some issues in our current relationships stem not from the current partner, but from echoes of unprocessed experiences from the past. If you were with a very controlling partner, you might still find yourself tucking your phone away before the other person can see it, or being unnecessarily thorough about your plans: detailing where you're going, who you'll be with and how long you'll be gone, in response to a simple "have a nice time."

Exploring how we learned to feel this way

IEMT is always an exploration of the problem, asking: how did I learn to feel this way, or be this way, about this thing or in this situation? By exploring our current responses (for example, "every time my partner and I have a slight disagreement, I find myself in tears"), we may notice key experiences from the past that are shaping who we are now. These might come from our childhood or upbringing, or from previous relationships.

It can be very difficult to engage in healthy relationships when our wiring keeps rerouting us back to unresolved situations, feelings or memories. Our knee-jerk reactions are just that: automatic responses, with little room for agency or intellectual processing.

So the next time "it's not you, it's me" comes up, whether you're the one saying it or the one hearing it, it's worth getting curious about who is actually speaking. Is it the thinking "I," the hurt "me," or an echo of someone else's voice from long ago?

Exploring our past gives us more freedom in the present. We don't need to relive every painful memory or unfair accusation, but a brief exploration often leads to real insight and positive change.

About Rose Ferguson

Rose Ferguson is a certified IEMT Practitioner and Certified Hypnotherapist based in Virginia, USA. She integrates IEMT with evidence-based hypnotherapy and mind-body approaches at integrativehypnotherapyva.com.