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The Three Pillars (Advanced Considerations)

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5 Comments on “The Three Pillars (Advanced Considerations)

Sonia Richards
February 28, 2020 at 7:19 pm

Many thanks Andy. Have certainly come across the anxious parent doing the focusing on the child in the past (not mine thankfully) and practically dismissing them in the present with the stories like – He was so lovey when he was 6 no trouble at all, he used to play the clarinet you know in the school county orchestra, he was head boy you know, I just don’t know what happened etc, etc… The parent not wanting to take any responsibility for their actions or inactions towards the child, now adult and the stress and trauma caused. Also just this week had the angry client who cycles around the 3 Pillars and they were justifying their angry response recenty because of what another person did or didn’t do ‘X’ years ago. I also used the PTSD model and put that conversation and the “other” persons behaviours, ‘then’, below the line in the past/left and below the line now. Huge lightbulb moment for the client and the anger disappeared immediately, no need for eye moments. They are now using the 3 Pillars and PTSD model themselves to help to get a better perspective on stuff happening now and stuff that happened in the past. I always give clients handouts so they have visual reminders as tools that they can use on-going.

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Mandie Bridge
March 2, 2020 at 11:35 am

I was fascinated at the guilty person projecting into the future watching Sci Fi or focusing on something which allows them to avoid facing their own guilt in the past – also they always focus on what others have done rather than looking to themselves or taking responsibility for their own actions. I see this so clearly in a close family member. Also my own pattern of watching history/period drama as a real comfort to stay secure in the “tried and tested” comfort zone rather than taking a leap into future events. I’m also guilty of getting frustrated when others won’t forgive me when I apologise but I worked that one out before watching this! How unfair it is of me to expect forgiveness immediately and resent any “punishment” they project onto me by way of taking their time to come around. Fascinating stuff – thank you.

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Julie Nicholls
March 5, 2020 at 9:15 am

I would be interested in more of your thoughts around identity.
My thinking is that we have clarity of identity as children, we know what our own rules are, what feels right for us, and especially what doesn’t. However adults tend to make us break them, (often under threat of something really horrible) which then leads us to break our rules in order to be ‘safe’ and ‘liked’. We then are confused as to whether what we think is right for us really is, as we are caught between pleasing others and following their rules, rather than our own. So what is the problem with people who want to find themselves. I understand the need for clarity of roles and procedure in teamwork, but is it not going to be more disruptive to have someone who doesn’t have clarity of their identity attempt to be in a team with a role that actually doesn’t suit them. If they were able to have clarity of their identity would they not choose a job that really suits them right from the start.

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Martin Johnson
March 12, 2020 at 7:31 pm

Great video Andy – particularly the last part which links the time frame element. Your example of the guilt ridden mother fussing on their child’s future immediately made be laugh, as I know someone exactly like that. I’m also currently working with someone who has got into large financial difficulties – ignoring the present (and ignoring bills!) and is both feeling guilt/shame, but then spending yet more money on the future (holidays etc), which trigger even more guilt. So avoiding the present as much as possible, by going back to the past and into the future, in a loop.

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Heart Systems
March 17, 2020 at 9:23 pm

Thanks Andy for this video. I work with a young man who came to me because of his panic attacks. During the first session I noticed that he has an identity issue. He is playing roles, is dissociated from the person he really is. I am currently working on this and the fear starts to disappear.

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