“I cannot connect with people,” he said, as he sat down, “I’ve started a new seminar and there are a lot of people there, most are younger than me, but still, people are starting to get into groups and I find myself alone. I can’t seem to find anything to talk about with them. I don't know how to approach them, I feel stuck and it is not that I am not a very sociable person, so it is double frustration.”
“And what would you like to have happen?” I asked.
“I dont know, maybe they could give me some attention too? I want them to be interested in me?”
At this stage I’ve pulled out a bag of coins and asked him to arrange the coins so they will represent the current state.
He arranged the coins in 3 groups and one more coin alone.
“Thats me”, he pointed at the single coin. “Those are the groups that are forming,” pointing at the other groups of coins.
I observed his body language and started to work.
At the beginning I moved each group of coins towards the single coin, he moved uncomfortably in his chair. It seems that every time I did that with a different group of coins it made him feel something.
So I used the IEMT Kinesthetic pattern on those emotions that arose, and he connected to memories from his past when he found himself in same situations. He had a memory of age 13, he was at a birthday party. Whilst everybody else were at the party, he was sitting alone in one of the other rooms of the house, feeling lonely. When people came to talk with him, he lied that everything was ok, and kept them away.
During the work with the IEMT Kinesthetic pattern the bad emotions from those memories faded away until those memories didn’t hurt him anymore. Moving the groups of coins towards the single coin, actually felt good.
In the second stage, I moved the single coin towards the groups of coins - he moved again uncomfortably in his chair and shared a bad feeling he was having.
I checked if this is happening with the other group of coins as well and it seemed that it was the same hardship. It was less relevant towards which group of coins the single coin moved, but the movement itself had significance.
So I worked with the IEMT Kinesthetic pattern again and he remembered his first week in the military, in bootcamp, with people his age; people from different places, different cultures. He didn't know anything about them, but now he had to live with them for a few month. He had a memory of himself climbing onto a bus and sitting next to people without having a clue how to start a conversation, not knowing what to say, how to begin or how to magange the situation. “It's a feeling of 'stuck for words'" he said.
After running the pattern, this bad emotion dissolved as well. Moving the single coin towards the different group of coins made him feel quite good.
On the third stage I moved the whole table towards him, thus bringing the whole situation closer to him.
That gave rise to more bad feelings. Here too I used the IEMT Kinesthetic pattern and he remembered a painful memory from the age of 17. He had many friends and then suddenly he had no one. Everything was over, all his friends went looking for other more popular friends. He suddenly got left alone without any preparation as a surprise.
Once that emotional imprint was released he could go back to all the memories of his past. No one was hurting him anymore. Now he was much more free to evaluate and learn new ways of behaviour with his seminar buddies.
So from here we continued with classical NLP submodalities work. We created a state of curiosity and interest in people and ways to approach them.
In the following session a week later, the client shared that in one of the breaks he went out, hesitated a bit regarding whether to approach a group of people. He decided to approach and become interested in his seminar buddies. He had a good talk with them, “I even added into the group another lady who sat alone, and what was more amazing to me was that they became interested in me as well, although it didn't bother me if they were interested in me or not.”
He continued: “After the break I was a lot looser in class, I felt much better, much more in flow with the lesson and they even called me to do the exercises with them.”
A month later in a follow up call, he shared that he is one of the guys in the classroom, he doesn’t have any special problems there saying "everything is great" and he enjoys his new friends and company.
* All memories were discovered by me in an interview I did when the session was over. during the session, I did it totally content free.
Write up by Mickey Berkal, IEMT and NLP Trainer in Tel Aviv, Israel, translated from Hebrew.
To find out more and Mickey and his work, please visit: https://forachange.co.il
To learn more about Clean Language as developed by James Lawley and Penny Tomkins, please visit: https://www.cleanlanguage.co.uk